


Yuri!!! on Ice Oneshots

by Kalzul



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alone Feeling, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Death, Anxiety, Best Friends, Body Swap, Crying, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, F/F, Fanon and Canon, Fear of Death, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Loss of Faith, M/M, Mentions of Death, Minor Character Death, Minor Suicide Attempt, Mutual Pining, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overexertion, Panic Attacks, Pole Dancing, RIP Vicchan, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Stress Eating, Suicide mentions, binge eating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:10:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalzul/pseuds/Kalzul
Summary: ...Yup. I couldn't hold of writing this any longer! I'm not sorry! I blame Yurio, he pushed me over the edge. This will definitely contain Victuuri, Otayuri, and Domestic af Victor, Yuuri, and Yurio happy family shit. It's lovely to think about, it gives me life! XD





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a repeat of the tags, because I feel as though it's needed.

**PLEASE!**  

If you are sensitive to any of the tags, I advise you read on your own risk! 

 

I repeat, at your own risk!

Sensitive content will include:

  * Depression
  * Self harm
  * Self hate
  * Anxiety
  * Self doubt
  * Homophobic Parents
  * Loss of Faith
  * Intense Crying
  * Mental Child Abuse
  * Maybe Minor Physical Child Abuse



**SO PLEASE!**

Read at your own risk!

 

Thank you, and enjoy reading!

~~On the off chance I may post XD~~


	2. Unfortunately Fortunate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri wants to surprise Victor in a way he'd never initially thought he would, but even in his times of confidence spikes, he can never find the courage to finally follow through... Until one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M FINALLY UPDATING! :P  
> Sorry it took so long... Heh... School and Stuff ^^
> 
> (SMUTTTTTTTT)

Yuuri sat at home, staring intensely at the outfit in front of him. He'd bought it a while ago, but he'd never found the courage to put it on. It's been a month since the skating season ended, and he  _had_ put on some weight already, his stomach softer, pushing over his pants and against his shirt. He sighed.

Why would Victor even want to see him in this? He'd no doubt be revolted. Yuuri deemed himself 'unworthy' and 'too chubby' to wear that since the moment it arrived. He'd even tried it on..! And he certainly  **did not** cry when he saw his reflection. Yuuri sighed again.

One day. One day he'd put it on and surprise Victor. One day...

~

Yuuri took a deep breath. Multiple deep breaths. Once, twice, three times, over and over again. He could do this, no turning back now. He had everything set up;

  1. The bouquet of red roses by the door, plus the sticky note leading Victor in the right direction.
  2. Another sticky note and a single rose taped to the kitchen counter, leading him further.
  3. The letter on the bedroom door, plus  _another_ flower, this time a lavender rose.



And him, stood facing the closed bedroom door, in this "flattering" lingerie, feeling oh-so-very naked.

He had got it custom made, he had to, just to get the proper measurements and design he wanted. He had managed to get it designed to look like his "On Love: Eros" outfit; The black mesh, the decorative gems, even a similar cape-skirt on the right. He'd been very impressed with the results of the design, but the concept on lingerie itself left him hesitant.

This particular set had black, mesh-like stockings, reaching about mid-thigh, lined with thicker fabric at the top, and small, silver gems of different sizes, which continued up the straps connecting the stockings to the panties, which were also made from that mesh-like material, leaving his... Area... Feeling very breezy and exposed. It did, indeed, have a small cape-skirt, smaller than the original "Eros" one, but not too small. Gems, again, lined the seams where the skirt connected to the panties, and that part he sort-of liked.

But, the "design" did not stop there. It continued with black, mesh arm sleeves that reached about his bicep. In a similar manner to the stockings, the tops were lined with more solid fabric and gems. And, to top it all off, there was a  _collar._ Yes, there was, indeed, a collar. Made of soft, thicker, black fabric, and small ribbon on the back to tie it, there was a collar. Small gems created a design on it, and, in all of its glory, was a bow in the middle of the collar, made out of the same silk fabric his skirt-cape used. 

All in all, the design was lovely. Better than he'd hoped. But, once he put it on, there was a whole  _other_ story to be told. 

Because he'd given them  _his_ measurements, it fit nicely, but the fact is, it fit too nicely. 

He took a nice, deep breath. But, it was shaky and dry. He gave a  _very brief_ glance over to the full-length mirror in their room. Then another... and another... and another. He couldn't draw his eyes away. The outfit managed to give a _very unflattering_ showcase of his pudgy stomach, letting it dip over the front of the panties, and his stretch marks were in full view, standing out from the black outfit. His... _scars_ from his "bad days" able to be seen peeking out from his once-but-now-not thigh gap. All in all, the fact that the outfit exposed so much, all his **many** flaws on full display.

Suddenly, it felt harder to breathe, and Yuuri's vision blurred with tears. His knees buckled and his chest heaved, he couldn't take it. It seemed that the weight of... Of everything, just fell onto his weak shoulders, and when he didn't learn how to carry it, he broke. It was now impossible to breathe, his chest feeling way too tight and his heart clenching painfully, leaving him crouched on the floor, curling in on himself, but being restricted by his disgusting stomach. Even through all of his panic, he managed to hear one thing; Victor's keys unlocking the front door, and the cheery yell of, "YUURI! I'M HOME!~"

He needed to calm down, he couldn't let Victor see him like this. Ever since Victor had come into his life, he'd gotten more confident, a lot more, but those feelings come in, what he likes to call, "Confidence Spikes". One minute, he could be downright miserable, his anxiety creeping up his spine in calm, gentle movements, ready to pounce, and the next minute, he'll be ready to run a marathon and make Victor swoon, all these feelings that required confidence he never had. It was like bipolar, almost, and it freaked people out sometimes. Yuuri even freaked himself out sometimes.

He couldn't calm down because he still had that stupid outfit on! He couldn't hear anything now, part from the ringing in his ears and his thrumming heartbeat. His mind swam with harmful thoughts, and he was drowning in them. _Victor's going to leave him, he's going to think he's pathetic, Victor's going to hate him, he never loved him in the first place, he's pathetic, he's worthless, hopeless, stupid, a loser, no one loves him, he should just leave them alone, why is he alive?_

~

Victor came home in the cheeriest of cheery moods. A beautifully bright smile on his face, an extra skip in his step, and he simply couldn't wait for the embrace of his little katsudon. The thought only made him 10 times cheerier! Nothing could go wrong. Victor pushed his keys in the door, and opened it with a smile, yelling, "YUURI! I'M HOME!~" He kicked off his shoes and hung his coat up, and when he went to walk into the lounge, something caught his eye.

A stunning bouquet of deep, red roses with a small note on the side, Yuuri's familiar chicken scratch writing, more readable than usual, scribbled on the note. Victor picked them up with a confused smile, his fiancé is too cute sometimes. First, he smelled the roses. They were fresh, and very eye catching and smelled as good as they looked. Then, he read the note: " _Come to the kitchen, there's another hint waiting for you~ See you soon, krasivaya."_

Victor smiled, and blushed a small bit, at his lovers use of Russian. He'd taken up learning it ever since they'd moved to Saint Petersburg. Victor loved Yuuri so dearly; He'd made him so happy, he spiked his inspiration, he helped him find and embrace his Love and Life. Because Yuuri is his Love and Life, the love of his life. Victor continued on to the kitchen, first finding a vase, filling it with water to put the lovely flowers in. He put them right on the kitchen windowsill, and he admired them for a second. Lovely.

He then turned to the note, finding another single rose. Whilst reading the note, he reunited the rose with the bouquet. " _Next, there will be a full-on letter waiting for you on the bedroom door. Read all the way through, angel, and a surprise awaits you~"_ Yuuri had indeed planned this whole thing through. It made him jittery with excitement with what the surprise could be. Yuuri always managed to surprise him in the **best** ways. Being someone who liked to surprise people himself, Victor was quite fond of surprises, be it giving or receiving.

Victor quickly, without knowing how fast he was actually going, made his way to the bedroom. As promised, an envelope and a single rose, this time lavender, were awaiting him on the bedroom door. He would definitely put this rose somewhere else, preferably his bedside table. He carefully took both of them down, off the door, and opened the envelope, reading carefully through the letter.

" _Dearest Victor,_

_Ever since you magically showed up one day at my families onsen, I've never felt so alive. Your smiles, your laughs, your general existence, they fill me with happiness, they fill me with so much life. When I was younger, my obsession was merely an obsession, something weird and creepy, and I evolved my life around it. You were my idol, my inspiration, and I couldn't have loved anything more. But now? I know the real you, and not just the skater on the screen, or on the ice beyond the glass. I know how skating makes you feel, I know your little quirks that you're probably not even aware of, and all in all, I've learned who Victor Nikiforov really is, and I fall in love with him more and more each day. You've made me happier than I've ever been, ever thought I could be, and I wouldn't have it any other way._

_You always say that I've shown you Love and Life, but in reality, you showed me what true love feels like, and what it feels like to really live. Before you, I felt dead and empty, like nothing I did was worth it and that I'd never amount to anything, and that I was a total screw up, a failure. Since you've been here, I've never really felt like that again. You always tell me that I'm worth it, and good at what I do, and you like what I am and what I'm capable of._

_I wasn't sure I'd ever get the confidence to do this, but now I've finally found it because I know that there's nothing wrong with me, or nothing that you won't like. Oh, I've forgotten, you're probably wondering what your surprise is, right? Well, I'm not sure you'll **love** it, but I hope you won't hate it? I don't know, but your surprise is waiting for you on the other side of this door._

_Love, Yuuri._

_P.S I hope you like the flowers :D The lavender rose is my favourite."_

Victor wiped unshed tears from his eyes. He'd sort-of known how Yuuri felt, but this was just... Beautifully written, and Victor felt he fell in love with Yuuri all over again. That cute little katsudon of his. Finally, he opened the door, and not finding what he thought he would;

Yuuri was curled up on the floor, hugging himself, gasping for breath and crying his heart out. "YUURI!" Victor cried out, worried, "Yuuri, sweetheart, what happened? What's wrong?" Victor crouched next to him, rubbing Yuuri's back, trying to calm him down. "Yuuri, breathe with me," Victor placed Yuuri's hand on his chest, "Breathe in and out, breathe, calm, deep, breaths." Victor exaggerated his breathing, trying desperately to get Yuuri to copy, "Breathe."

~

"V-Victor..?" Yuuri managed out after he'd calmed down somewhat. He can't believe he'd pulled that in front of Victor. "Yes, my little katsudon?" Victor looked down at Yuuri, _properly_ looked at him, and his face suddenly felt very warm when he saw what Yuuri was wearing. "W-Wait... Yuuri, w-what are you wearing?" He has no idea how he didn't notice what Yuuri was wearing until now. Was this the surprise?

"Honey, stand up for me, would you?" Victor asked, sweetly, offering a hand to Yuuri, and he hesitantly obliged, and Victor almost chuckled at the view of his heavily blushing lover. Once they were stood up, Victor carefully observed Yuuri, walking around him whilst Yuuri stared at the ground. Victor's face has  **never** felt this warm before, and he whispers a small, "Is this the surprise?" And Yuuri's only response is nodding. With a combination of what Yuuri was wearing and biting his lip with the biggest blush on his chubby cheeks, Victor couldn't help but get harder as each second passed.

"I-If... You d-don't like it, I-I can ch-change into s-som-" Victor cut Yuuri off with a  _very_ heated kiss, his erection already pressing against his tight pants. "Don't you finish that sentence, Yuuri, because  _why_ -" He cuts off as he licks Yuuri's nape, feeling him shiver beneath his hold, "Would you  _ever-_ " He sinks his teeth into Yuuri's collar bone, hearing him  **finally** let out a deep, low growl-like noise in the back of his throat, way too quiet for Victor's liking, "Think that seeing  _you-_ " Victor doesn't have mercy on his poor Yuuri, biting and sucking on every inch of his neck, down his collar bones and on his shoulders, "In something so revealing would  **not** make me want to ravish you?~"

Yuuri stuck stiff at that and hugged Victor tightly, but the hug only lasted for a small while. Suddenly, Yuuri's mood changed faster than a blink, and he pressed his palm against Victor's clothed groin, receiving a surprised noise, which was quickly replaced with a lustful groan. "We can't leave this," He pressed a little harder, feeling Victor's knees bend slightly, probably trying his best not to arch into the touch, "To go to waste, now can we Vitya?~" This time, Yuuri was going to run this, because he wants a turn after Victor  _always_ tops, and this time, Yuuri's going to make Victor come undone.

"Y-Yuuri, I- Hnn.." When Victor tries to speak, Yuuri presses harder, making him shut right up, "Hush, Vitya, it's  _my_ turn." Yuuri growled, and Victor has never looked or felt more vulnerable. As Yuuri brought Victor over to the bed, Victor took this time to admire his beautiful fiance. Sure, Yuuri had gained weight, but that doesn't mean it doesn't look good on him. The way Victor wants to line Yuuri's thick thighs with marks that say "this is  **mine** ". The way he wants to just sink his teeth into Yuuri's soft stomach, or depending on how he's feeling, use it was his personal pillow. The way he loves the extra  _swing_ in Yuuri's hips when he's flirty or teasing Victor. The way Yuuri's chubby cheeks hold a blush far better than his thin, skating season cheeks. The way Yuuri's ass feels  _so good_ when he rides Victor's cock, the feeling leaves him undone and wanting more. All in all, a comfortable Yuuri is a good Yuuri.

Yuuri leans down and, using his teeth, unzips Victor's jeans, letting his straining erection breathe, but also giving him direct access to touch. Victor watches him with half-lidded eyes, each touch feeling better than the last. "Y-Yuuri.." Victor tries, but Yuuri takes his cock into his hand, so instead of finishing his sentence, Victor moans loudly. "What did I say? Naughty boy." As Yuuri spoke, he squeezed and Victor couldn't help but arch himself towards Yuuri. Instead of sitting next to Victor, Yuuri decides to park himself in Victor's lap, toying with Victor's erection. 

Victor wanted to whine, to beg, to say "Yuuri, it hurts, I'm so hard for you". But, he knew if he did, Yuuri would tease him more. Yuuri swirled his finger over the tip of Victor's cock, an innocent gesture, if not for their situation, and he hummed in thought. "So, Vitya, you said you wanted to ravish me? Well, how's that working out?~" Yuuri chuckled deviously, and Victor twitched in his hand, "You like my body? You like the view I'm giving you?" Victor nodded vigorously, and there was that chuckle again, "How about I use my thick," He pumped Victor once, "Plump," Again, "Soft," Twice this time, "Fat body to ride that delicious cock of yours, hmm?~" For good measure, Yuuri rubbed is stomach with one hand while pumping Victor's dick with his other. "Yuuri, let me cum inside of your lovely ass, please.." Victor pleaded, his cheeks holding a blush brighter than ever. 

Yuuri takes off the panties but leaves the stockings. He doesn't, however, take the panties off as fast as he can, he slowly pulls them down his legs, swaying his hips with a smirk as Victor became more and more flustered from beneath him. Once their off and Yuuri's positioned himself back on Victor's lap, he made his own erection swordplay with Victor's. "AAAH~ Y-YUURI~" Victor cums right there, Yuuri pushed him over the edge, but Yuuri still isn't finished. "I'm going to make you cum 6 times before I'm done~" Yuuri growled, and Victor felt the blood rushing right back to his crotch.

Without stretching, and only cum and spit as lube, Yuuri begins to ride Victor's cock, taking all of him inside in with one go. "V-Very b-b-huh~ Bold, eh Yuuri?" Victor manages, and Yuuri tightens himself on Victor, making him go right back to moaning, leaving the teasing to Yuuri this time. As Victor comes more and more undone beneath him, Yuuri finds himself seriously enjoying this. "O-OOH!~ YUURI!~" Victor cums inside of him, and Yuuri almost cums too, but he has to resist. 

Suddenly, with no forewarning, or prep, Yuuri takes Victor into his mouth, _all_ of him. "Y-Yuuri~" Victor continues to moan as Yuuri licks up and down, skillfully using his tongue like a trained slut. Victor cums again, and Yuuri swallows him up, licking his lips to tease, and by Victor's small shudder, he's sure he succeeded. "Don't worry, handsome, only one more, okay?" Victor nods, panting and flustered.

Yuuri stretches Victor's hole for him, not bothering for lube and just licking his fingers. Once fully stretched and ready, Yuuri "lubes" up his painfully hard cock, and pushes in slowly at first, then full thrust. Victor pants and begs from beneath him and Yuuri has never felt so accomplished. As he starts to pump Victor with his hand, whilst still thrusting into him, Victor's moans become all the louder, and Yuuri can tell he's close. Very close. "Cum for me once more, my love." And he does, with a loud moan of "YUURI". Yuuri then lets himself cum inside Victor, filling him up to the brim, before collapsing beside him.

Yuuri gets up to get a towel and helps Victor clean himself up, along with Yuuri himself, before they lay down again. "I don't think I can walk." Victor chuckles and Yuuri joins, "Good. I have claimed you." They both chuckle. They cuddle for a bit before Victor speaks up, "I never knew you could be so demanding and dominant, my Yuuri~" He crooned, and Yuuri blushed, "Me neither.."

~

Let's just say that Yuuri had to help Victor around the house for the next 2 days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Krasivaya - Beautiful  
> The one Russian pet name I let myself use XD  
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the super smut?


	3. A Little Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's always been alone, he's used to it, it's implemented itself into his cycle of life since before he was 10, maybe even younger. For a long time, he forgot what it felt like to enjoy someone's company sincerely or have his own company enjoyed. That is until a certain someone came into his life and brightened it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That other chapter lasted too long in the writing process ^^'  
> This time, that mistake won't be made! 
> 
> But, yeah, sad Victor stuff. That guy just seems lonely, y'know?
> 
> "Tears at a funeral- Tears at a funeral, I might break. Angry at all the things- Angry at all the things I can't change." - Jon Bellion : Hand of God Outro.

The first time Yuuri went inside Victor's apartment, he didn't really look around, his eyes always focused on Victor. Even then, Victor always had  _something_ to say. Story after story, joke after joke, asking if Yuuri wanted something every 5 minutes. He seemed to want Yuuri to only focus on him, and at the time Yuuri obliged, but after he looked into it, he became curious. He made himself a mental note to look more into this mysterious man's home, not even in a creepy way, just out of genuine curiosity, and in case Victor was hiding something.

When he went there a second time, which was only **2 months** before he moved to Saint Petersburg, he took his time looking at each and every room and item in that room, but there wasn't much to look at. Clean living room, neat and tidy bedroom and on suite bathroom, organized kitchen, looking well used and yet still so clean. In fact, _everything_ was clean, and knowing Victor and how messy he is, that was surprising. The living room had a blue sofa with pillows positioned with care and precision, no coats or socks or any loose item in sight. The bedroom was the same item wise, no spare items lingering anywhere, and the bed was made very neatly, all the drawers organized and full of comfy clothes. The bathroom was sparkling clean and neatly organized, not much more to say. The kitchen, however, was Yuuri's realization. Like the other rooms, it was clean and organized, spices and pans up and away in designated shelves, the stove top so clean, it was reflecting sunlight. 

But... Every thing was a little too organised. A little too neat, a little too clean... A little too empty. Drawers of clothes folded with care, looking like they had been folded and refolded too many times in a row. A wooden floor that shined too brightly, and reflected too much sunlight. Pillows that had been straightened too carefully and too precise. A kitchen counter and stove that were too clean and everything was just too perfectly organised, cleaned, and neat.

He wonders how long Victor's been alone. How long his house was quiet and lonely, and how many times he reorganised it all. When Victor tells a story, he's never at home, not even in his home country, always with other people in other countries, it's never even a story about him. Either what this person did or how funny that person's joke was, never what Victor did or how funny Victor's joke was. Yuuri's seen Victor cuddle Makkachin, and with the way Makka reacts, he'd say that's a normal routine, but Victor only does that when he's upset or lonely. He's seen Victor tear up or cry in his sleep, and the way Makkachin cuddles just that bit closer, knowing he's needed for comfort. He's noticed how easily Victor gets lost in his thoughts when he's alone, and how his usually happy expression turns to one of sadness and anguish.

When Victor clings to Yuuri at competitions and such, Yuuri always notices the look Chris gives them, or Mila, or even Georgi. It's a look of sad nostalgia, understanding, and Yuuri never knew why until Yurio told him one day. Well, more like answered  **his** questions.

 _"Yurio!" Yuuri called after him, quickening his pace to catch up to the younger boy, "Eh? Oh, it's you. What do you want?" He wasn't in as bad of a mood today, and for that, Yuuri was thankful. "I have to ask you something." He explained his questions and theories_ _, and Yurio patiently listened until he was finished is tangent, seeming understanding for the first time Yuuri's seen. "Yuuri, you have no idea how long Victor has been alone. Why do you think he has Makka? We had to stop him from getting 3 dogs. I have my Grandpa, Mila has her parents and Sala, Georgi has supportive friends and family, Victor... Victor has no one." Yuuri had gasped, but let Yurio continue, "Everyday Victor went home, he went home to an empty, cold house. Until he got Makka, that is, but even then. He's come to practice with tears in his eyes, hair a mess, smelling heavily of alcohol, and no one ever questioned him because they know._

_"I asked him once and he smiled and shrugged me off, but I could see his hurt, it was evident in his everything. I'm pretty sure everyone at the rink has asked him, but he gave all of them the same response.. 'Oh? I never noticed! Don't worry, I'm okay, just tired, is all.' It was annoying for a while, until he stopped putting so much enthusiasm into it, his smile not quite as big when he said it. By that point, it was just sad to hear, not that it wasn't before. Sometimes, when Victor's having a bad day, we heard sobbing coming from the bathroom. It's not loud, or careless, it sounds like he's trying to be quiet, trying to restrain himself, and even when you walk past the bathroom, he holds his breath, trying to be quiet._

_"I've only ever seen him break down once. When I was new at the rink, I came a lot. I came in early and left hours late, because I liked being alone. One day, though, I came early, trying to be quiet because of the early hours. I put on my skates and went to head to the rink, but I heard someone already skating there. Curious, I quietly made my way to see who it was, and look who was there. I watched him skate, there was so much emotion, and after failing 3 jumps in a row, he froze. He pulled at his hair, and started crying. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed loudly, no restraining, because he was alone at the rink this time, he thought. He obviously wanted to yell, you could see it in all his features, and he almost did, but he mumbled instead, and I barely caught it myself, even though there was no other noise besides Victor's cries. 'Why am I crying? Why am I destined to be so lonely? So alone? Why do I have to be alone? I don't want to be alone anymore...'_

_"In all honesty, I almost cried myself, watching him sit on the ice, expressing obviously pent-up emotions. When he met you, all Yakov's trainees and Chris noticed his brightening of mood. He smiles more, and this time genuinely. He tells more jokes, he tells more stories and goes out more. He laughs, he lives, he loves. You make him so happy, even if I don't understand how.. You make him feel like he's not alone. Not anymore."_

The conversation never once left his memory. How could it? Being told your fiance was depressed and lonely, trying to stay strong, but as Yuuri's come to realise, Victor's only human, and breaks down with the rest of us. After telling him that, Yurio insisted heavily that Yuuri does not ask him about it, so he didn't. He was told to wait, and so he did. But he can wait no longer, that knowledge eats at him when he can't sleep, when he's showering and when he's just thinking. Never once does he forget what Yurio told him. 

"YUURI!" Victor's call takes him out of his search, and he calls back, "YES?" He hears the clanking of pans and a small grunt from Victor, before he hears a yell, "Come to the kitchen, please?" Yuuri obliges, and Victor lights up when he enters the room, giving him a kiss on the cheek, "I missed you." Yuuri chuckles quietly, "I was in the next room, Victor." They both laugh, "Still too far, my love."

They converse for a bit in the kitchen, Victor (again) keeping Yuuri in his sight, even though Yuuri already explored. He's going to talk to Victor about... Victor.. He wants Victor to be okay, and Yurio told him to wait a while, and he did, now is his chance. 

"H-Hey, Victor?" Yuuri timidly asks, he can't believe he's doing this. Victor's attention was immediately on him, and that made him more nervous, "I need to talk to you."

~

Yuuri had sat him down, insisting they talk now, seeing as Victor had almost, but not yet, started dinner. 'But, you're hungry, no?' Victor had said, trying to get out of a talk with his fiancé, 'I can wait, Victor, you're more important.' Yuuri had replied, a determination in all of his features. He was not going to drop this, even if Victor got down on his knees and begged him. Well, if it came to that then _maybe_ he'd drop it, but he'd make sure to bring it up again! Surely...

"Victor." He was stern, and Victor visibly swallowed, "Why so serious, milashka?" Victor seemed nervous, and he had this... _Look_ in his eyes, like he knew. He knew Yuuri knew and that was what they were going to be talking about. "Yurio told me a while ago about how you're just... You're so.." Yuuri paused, taking a breath, "You're unimaginably lonely." Victor flinched, immediately breaking eye contact, fiddling with his fingers, "W-What are you talking about?" The stutter. That stutter gave him away big time.

"He told me that you have nobody and that you've seen alone for-" Yuuri told him the information he got from Yurio, and not once did Victor look at him, he barely made a sound. He just sat there like a child being scolded, patient for it to be over and to be on his marry way. Little did Yuuri know, Victor couldn't see the hands he was fiddling with, nor the knee he was bouncing or the floor that was much more interesting because his eyes were heavily blurred over with tears that he refused to let fall.

"V-Victor..?" Yuuri called, but Victor couldn't hear a thing. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he couldn't think, he felt constricted and it hurt. Victor seemed so stoic from Yuuri's view, but the truth was he was falling apart. Yuuri took notice that Victor was barely breathing, his knee no longer bouncing and hands scarily still. "Victor, are you... Okay..?" When Victor still didn't respond, Yuuri crouched down in front of him, trying desperately to catch his gaze, but his love was crying heavily, trying his best not to make a sound, to make Yuuri forget he existed and move on with his life. Although, if Yuuri _did_ do that, it would surely crush Victor's soul and will to live, but that's not the point.

"Oh, Victor!" Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor ever-so protectively, shielding him from the world. "Y...Yuuri..." Victor sobbed quietly, clutching onto Yuuri's shirt. Yuuri could never fully grasp how much pain Victor's loneliness caused him, he could only label it "a lot". But with Victor here sobbing in his arms, Yuuri no longer thinks "a lot" is enough anymore. Not nearly enough.

When Victor had calmed to some extent, he started talking. Yuuri hadn't even asked him to, Victor just sort of... Started talking. "W-When I was six, I was coming home from skate practice..."

_Young Victor walked along the sidewalk, his shoulder-length hair blowing in the crisp wind. The practice had gone well, he would say, because he got a little more work done on his backwards crossovers. Victor quietly hummed to himself and walked along the sidewalk with a cheery bounce in his step. He spotted a small pond off the side and got an idea. He jumped down and took his skates out of his bag, and he checked the ice to see if it was thick enough to skate on before he did._

_The wind in his hair as he picked up speed was intoxicating. Victor never felt more at ease than when he was skating. The ice beneath his blades, the wind in his hair, the way he made intricate patterns everywhere he went. It really was a beautiful thing._

_'This pond is very close to home..' He thought, 'I must come back here tomorrow!' He couldn't get home late, his Mama would be mad, so he started untying his skates. But just as he was shoving them into his bag, a firetruck made it's way past him. And another. And another.. 'How unfortunate,' He innocently thought, 'It must be a hassle for whoever has that fire.' He watched the trucks, but... They turned onto his street... He looked up to where the smoke was, and it was coming from... "Oh no..." Victor muttered aloud._

_He began running, sprinting as if his life depended on it. He quickly turned onto his street, hoping that it wasn't true, that the fire wasn't his house.. "NO!" He shouted as he ran to his house, "MAMA! PAPA!" He yelled, catching the attention of one of the firemen, who grabbed him before he ran inside. "Kid, you can't go in there, the whole place is burning up." The woman calmly stated, but Victor was no father from calm, "My parents are in there! Please, SAVE THEM!" He sobbed, gripping painfully at the woman's shoulders, "They're going to be okay, kid, we'll get them, just you wai--"_

_The house collapsed. The woman quickly put Victor down to talk to the other firemen, but Victor couldn't stand. His knees gave out, and he collapsed just as his house did. His mouth made a perfect 'O' shape, and he still didn't move. As the firemen continued putting the fire out on the rubble, Victor's eyes welled up with tears. Nothing held detail anymore, just orange and charred blue. He screaming as loud as he could, his throat raw, and he stood to run to the rubble, screaming at the top of his lungs, "MAMA! PAPA!" Two of the firemen grabbed him, picking him up, but he thrashed and kicked, screaming and crying, he had to find them! He had to.._

_~_

_After that, he was instructed to move in with his aunt, seeing as he had no other relatives. His grandparents unfortunately passed before he was born, his father was an only child, and his mother had one sister, but she had no kids. She wasn't even married, though she was an alcoholic. Her past husband had passed away from cancer, and she drank as a suppressant. He'd been dead for 4 years, and yet she was still depressed and drinking. The ones who sent him to her were weary at first, because she had attempted suicide before, but she promised she wouldn't because she had Victor with her now. Victor now supposes she was drunk when she said that._

_"A-Aunt Zhanna..?" Eight-year-old Victor quietly muttered,  just returning from skate practice, feeling practically starved. He tried to get her attention, but she didn't move at all, "Aunt Zhanna..?" He called again, closing the front door and walking closer, but she still didn't respond. "Aunt Zhanna, are you alright?" He went around the couch to look at her face, and when he did, he screamed._

_The neighbour heard the scream and called the police and paramedics, who took Aunt Zhanna to the hospital where she was pronounced dead. 'Death by Suicide'. Victor, at first, was inconsolable, but then he just became numb. The police were asking him questions, but he couldn't hear them. They were offering him food and water, but he couldn't see it. They were picking him up and carrying him away, but he couldn't feel it, he couldn't feel anything._

_Yakov and Lilia funded his Aunt's funeral, a small, quiet gathering of himself, Yakov, Lilia, Makka and his Aunt's friends. As young Victor watch his Aunt's coffin get buried in the ground, he let a single tear slip down his cheek. That was all the tears he had left by now._

_~_

_Yakov had then taken him in, but had made it very clear that he is not Victor's dad, he is still 'Coach Yakov', but now he just goes home with Victor. Yakov made Victor food, bought him clothes, gave him a place to call home, but he already knew that Victor's home was the ice. It provided him comfort that not even Yakov could, no one could. So by 16 years old, he was the top men's figure skater in the world, all because the ice was his home._

_While everyone thought he was perfect, that he was the happiest and most satisfied, but they were wrong. Only people who really knew him knew he was lonely, only Yakov knew why and how much it hurt him, hence why Victor has Makkachin. Yakov got Makka for Victor on his 17th birthday but told Victor to say that he got Makka for himself. From then on, he came home to happy barking instead of silence, and it made him feel a little better. Only a little bit, but he is still so grateful for his little companion. He kept Victor company when he felt ever-so alone._

Victor wiped his eyes, taking a breath, "I'd felt so alone for most of my life, and as much as Makka helped, it wasn't enough. But when I met you... Something inside me lit up, I'd say. I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time... True happiness, and it was a welcome change, but then you left and I couldn't find you, and in all honestly... I really panicked. I didn't want to go back to being numb and sad all the time, and that's where my inspiration came from. When I found out you lived in Hasetsu, I didn't hesitate and went, because skating no longer provided the comfort I so desperately needed. But when I arrived, you were the only comfort I felt I ever needed again.." Victor finished with a teary-eyed smile, and Yuuri pulled him into a hug because he knew Victor needed it.

"You kept that bottled up for so long, Victor, but why didn't you tell anyone?" Yuuri asked, and Victor thought for a moment, "I don't know.. It was such a sensitive topic for me and no one ever really asked or pushed it, and of course it never came up in conversation, so I kept to myself. You're the only one who asked and I trusted to tell." Yuuri smiled at him sadly, "I may be the only one who asked, but I'm not the only one who cared. Yurio, Mila, Chris, even Georgi are concerned for you, but Yurio demanded them all not to ask, because he'd asked me to do it." Victor looked at him bewildered, and let out a shocked laugh, "Yurio? I would have expected Mila or Chris to do something like that, but not Yurio. Remind me to thank him." Yuuri smiled again, this time adoringly, "Will do, but I guess that shows that he does care for us both." Victor's smile mirrored Yuuri's, "Yeah, I guess it does."

Yuuri and Victor went on to have dinner, which they expertly made together, and to cuddle on the couch. It was a very pleasant evening, to say the least, and Yuuri felt like he knew Victor so much better, it made him feel good, it made him feel special. They, of course, talked to Yurio on the phone the next day, and even went to see him in person, and the young boy felt very much at ease with the grossly in love couple.

~

The next time Yuuri went to the Saint Petersburg house, there were socks in random places, clothes on the bedroom floor, a messy kitchen. The living room had books on the table, and one of the pillows was on the floor, whilst Victor's hoodie was lazily hung over the arm of the couch and Makka's leash was on the table as well. The bedroom had clothes on the floor, the bed was lazily made and a drawer or two were open a crack. The bathroom had clothes and towels on the floor, and some bottles of cream, shampoo, conditioner and body wash were over turned, some leaking a small bit. The kitchen had messy dishes from the night before, spices and pans on the counter or stove from previous use and lack of time to clean them up. All in all, it had a brand new, extremely homey feel to it, and it made Yuuri so happy.

"Victor?" He called, only to be met with a warm hug, of which he gladly returned. He would forever treasure this. "Yuuri!"


	4. Swapped?! Drama at Yu-Topia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri have been under an immense amount of stress lately. With sorting out Yuuri's skating rink, getting practice time in, Victor coming back to skating, and so much more, let's just say things have been tense, and one night after a very heated argument, they sleep separate, and wake up in a bit of a.. Predicament.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT EVEN IS MY LIFE ANYMORE

"I NEVER SAID I DESERVED YOU, VIKTOR!" Yuuri yelled at his fiancé, anger very evident in his tone, "I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO COME LIVE WITH ME AND COACH ME!" Viktor huffed, taking a breath, "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT YOU DESERVE THE WORLD, BUT YOU BLATANTLY NEVER LISTEN!" Viktor yelled back, just as angry. 'It's true,' Viktor thought, 'It's like he does it on purpose!'. Yuuri gasped, "That is not true!" Viktor snarled a laugh and grinned at him, "OH! When was the last time you listened to **any** compliments or positive words? When Yuuri?!" Viktor exhaled sharply, taking a breath to continue. 

"This is why people like _me_ more, Yuuri, because I listen to their compliments and criticism, unlike _someone_ I know!" Yuuri gasped again, Viktor's words going straight to heart. 'He's right,' Yuuri thinks to himself, 'He's always right.' "You... You don't really mean that..." Yuuri tried to sound angry and judging by Viktor's expression, it worked, but really he just felt hurt, "Face it, Yuuri, you're incorrigible! Blatantly rude when people _believe_ _in_ _you_." Viktor sneered, clear intent to hurt Yuuri. He could be so belittling and soul crushing, his words holding truth yet so cruel.

"Sometimes, I don't even know why I try to say anything." Yuuri's eyes widened, his mouth gaping. "I can't believe you sometimes. I don't know why I'm still here, I'm leaving." Viktor had really just said that. Yuuri's eyes welled up with tears, and Viktor stood astonished at himself, only for a moment, before storming away, leaving Yuuri standing in the living room, tears rushing down his face as he felt his heart break.

~

Viktor quietly came in, shutting the door as quietly as possible. He was sore, sweaty, and an exhausted wreck. He hadn't even been out long, just 2 hours or so. After he turned to go, he couldn't turn around, he  _felt_ Yuuri's heartbreak as he walked away, and when he got outside, he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Viktor ran until he collapsed from pain, heaving grossly, both from lack of oxygen and his choking sobs.  _What have I done,_ He had thought,  _Yuuri... My poor Yuuri, I'm so sorry._

Viktor crept to their bedroom, trying to be as quiet as possible as to not wake Yuuri, assuming he was asleep. Their bedroom door was slightly ajar, so he pushed it a small bit until he could just barely squeeze inside, and thankfully, Yuuri was fast asleep. Viktor sighed.

Even in his sleep, Yuuri held his anxious expression, and his face had tear tracks.  _You did that,_ Viktor's mind barked,  _that's your fault._ He shook his head, crouching down in front of Yuuri, gently putting a hand on his cheek, wiping the tears away. Yuuri's anxious expression faded slightly, but it was still very much there, it made Viktor's heart clench. He hadn't meant anything he said, except that Yuuri deserved the world and more.

Viktor kissed Yuuri's forehead gently then stood, hand in his hair. Why couldn't Yuuri believe Viktor? He meant it every time when he said Yuuri was perfect, amazing, talented, he meant every word! Still, Yuuri wouldn't listen, wouldn't believe him. Viktor slipped back out of their bedroom, deciding to give Yuuri his space. He did, however, leave a note for Yuuri telling him that he was home, safe, but was sleeping on the couch. Makkachin came and walked beside Viktor, and he reached down to pet his furry friend. Makka was always so therapeutic in times of stress.

Viktor laid on the sofa, Makka laying in his lap, his legs not quite fitting the space, extending over the end, but he could live for a night. He fell into a deep sleep.

~ (Earlier, after Viktor left from Yuuri's P.O.V)

Yuuri pulled at his hair, pacing the span of the living room over and over, tears rushing down his face.  _Viktor's not coming back,_ He told himself,  _it's finally happened, he's finally left me for good._ His anxious mind was going a mile a minute, filled with self-doubt and the major possibility that Viktor was never going to come back.

Yuuri's knees felt weak, his body rocking with tremors from his cries and panic. This was it, he was going to ruin his progress and have one of the biggest panic attacks of his life. He knew it was going to happen, but not like this, not now. Yuuri tried desperately to reel himself, to calm down, but to no avail. His knees gave way and he clutched at his shirt where his heart was.

He pulled at his hair, gasped like a fish out of water, shaking heavily. There was nothing he could do but wait, and he knew that, but waiting hurt, the voice in his head screaming his insecurities, doubts and pains louder and louder by the second, and there was absolutely nothing he could do but sit there, helplessly, and wait out this awful experience. At first, he had been very clueless, when he was young and had panic attacks, but now he knew and waited in agony, but he waited nonetheless.

It was harder to calm down without Viktor there to help him, a lot harder because Viktor was his morphine. His heart clenched at the thought of Viktor, but he still tried to fix his breathing pattern. 

When Yuuri calmed to a great extent, albeit still a bit shaky, he made his way to their bedroom, feeling exhausted after his attack. He laid down, as was out within seconds, much to his relief. 

~ (The next morning) ~

"VIKTOR!" That was what Viktor woke to this morning, Yuuri desperately screaming his name, fear and desperation ridden in ever syllable. "VIKTOR PLEASE!" Yuuri screamed again, and Viktor ran from their bedroom to the bathroom, almost tripping over Makkachin before responding, "Yuuri! What's the mat...Ter..?" He cut off, staring at... Himself? It was a little blurry for him, which was strange, but that was definitely him. "Viktor.."

Yuuri(?)'s voice broke, and Viktor could tell tears weren't far off. "What... Is this?" Viktor asked, and Yuuri proceeded to share his theory, rushing some explanation of an ancient Japanese body swap spell, which was used to swap bodies to realise something the other person really wanted them to, and they would not switch back until they realised. Viktor, who now noticed he was in Yuuri's body, stood there with a blank expression, processing Yuuri's words. "Oh." Was all he said as Yuuri left the room, coming back and handing him his glasses. Right, he'd need these now. He also noticed that Yuuri still had his brown eyes, and he had his own blue ones. He'd pointed it out to Yuuri, who said: "I don't even want to know how that works." Viktor agreed.

Yuuri then gave him a very strict talk, "Viktor, you have to promise me something." Viktor nodded, looking into brown eyes, no words coming, not even a response, "If I don't do anything involving the.. 'Down below' area, you won't either, okay?" Viktor gawked at him, "Yuuri, why not-" "Because you know I don't have a whole lot of confidence and having to look at myself doesn't help, but you doing.. Things wouldn't make me feel any better, it would probably make me feel a lot worse, okay? So, promise me you won't if I won't." His words, in a voice much deeper than his own, held utmost seriousness, "Yes, Yuuri. I promise." 

From then on, Viktor and Yuuri attempted to have breakfast normally, trying to exchange normal banter, but that was proving difficult on both ends. "Hey, Viktor?" Yuuri turned to him, looking away again because it was himself.  _Am I that utterly revolting all the time?_ "Yeah?" Yuuri almost flinched upon hearing his voice, only now acknowledging the sound. _T_ _hat's what I sound like? I should be mute._ "I feel.. Light? I don't know, but I don't feel like I always do. Everything seems easier, like getting out of bed and making breakfast. Do you feel any different?" When Viktor thought about it, he did. "Yeah actually. My chest feels tighter and I'm on edge all the time. Simple tasks seem.. Daunting, and I didn't really want to get out of bed, even with you calling me." Yuuri suddenly blushed, looking at his fiddling hands.

Viktor looked at him for a few seconds before saying, "Is... This how you always feel, Yuuri?" He asked, and when Yuuri didn't respond, he went more in depth with how he now felt, "Every time, before I speak, this doubt nags in my head 'he doesn't care what you're saying' or 'that's stupid, don't say that', and I've never had that before, I usually feel how you said you felt just now. Is this what it's always like for you, Yuuri?" Viktor asks, general curiosity seeping into the voice that is and isn't his.

Yuuri stood for a moment, before speaking and holding eye contact, something he never found the courage to do, but now it didn't seem hard at all. "Yes, that's how it normally is. Doubts flow through my head and it's extremely hard to do normal things. People don't usually understand because they don't feel the same thing, but now you have to live however long in my shoes... So you'll get an experience." He nervously chuckled, and Viktor followed in with the same nervous laugh, and then they silenced. The silence wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't tense, and normally it would have made Yuuri tense regardless, but this time it didn't. Viktor, however, anxiously scratched the back of his neck, and said with a timid tone, "I'll... Be right back, okay?" 

He left without leaving Yuuri any time to respond, and Yuuri knew exactly why. He was overwhelmed, something that Yuuri got quite a lot. He followed Viktor, knocking on the bathroom door that was now closed. "Viktor?" He called, only getting silence as a response. "Viktor?" He called again, and this time a sharp exhale followed his call. He went to open the door, which wasn't locked and saw Viktor sitting there staring at the ground, his breathing a little heavy.

Yuuri just went over and hugged him, saying nothing. He didn't need to, he knew that all Viktor needed right now was someone to hold him. "I d-don't know how you deal with this, Yuuri." Viktor mumbled out, "It's p-painful." He whined, and Yuuri held him tighter.

~

When that was over, they went about their lives, doing things they'd normally do. Chores, housework, skating stuff. Thankfully, it was their weekend off, because they'd been working really hard at the rink lately. It's funny because Yurio called them to ask about something, because Viktor was now his co-coach, even if he still worked under Yakov, and instead of an answer, he got a crazy rant from the two of them, saying that they'd swapped bodies and how it was really weird.

 _"If you're still like this tomorrow,"_ He'd said,  _"Tell me to come over. Right now, you need to sort this out, but I still really wanna see this."_ Was what he ended the call on, and that was that.

They went on with their chores and work individually, Viktor walking Makka at 10, noon, and 5, and they passed time that way and exchanged conversation every now and then. They didn't stop until the chores were done, and all the work for that day was done. It was around 8:45 when they finally settled down and sat on the couch, side by side, Yuuri re-reading his favourite book while Viktor scrolled through social media whilst Makka laid in his lap.

Yuuri then said he was going to get water, but... "Wait, Yuuri!" Viktor called as Yuuri went to leave the living room. Yuuri turned to him, "Yes Viktor?" Viktor swallowed, "Earlier, when you explained your theory of the body swap ancient Japanese thing, you said the ones affected had to realise something, right?" He asked, "Yes, they have to realise in order to switch back." Viktor nodded, "Who's the one realising and who's the one wanting the other to realise?"

"I don't know.. There's nothing particular I want you to realise with all my heart, most things are just my anxiety," Yuuri thought out loud, "And since I have nothing for you to realise, it's you who wants me to realise something.." Viktor's face heated up, and he looked away when Yuuri looked at him. Even if Viktor wanted to hold eye contact, he wouldn't be able to, something preventing him that he never felt before. "Viktor, it is you! I can tell by the way you reacted." Yuuri chuckled, and Viktor blushed even more.  _My face will set on fire at this rate,_ Viktor thought to himself,  _now I know why you blush so easy! Embarrassment is a common thing right now._

"What  **do** you want me to realise?" Yuuri asked after he stopped laughing at Viktor, "U-Um... Well, y-you see..." If Viktor said this any other time, there would be no stutter, but today is a different story, "I.. I want you to.. I just w-wish you would... Erm.." Words just failed Viktor at the moment, and Yuuri had to refine from chuckling. He'd never seen Viktor like this, even if he was in his body, Viktor still instinctively talked with his accent, the only difference the anxious tone and higher pitch, it was still very much Viktor, just the side he was good at controlling.

"Take your time," Yuuri assured, fondness evident in his tone. Viktor took a few deep breaths, before mumbling, "I want you to see how perfect you are.." Yuuri looked confused, "Sorry, repeat that? I didn't understand." Viktor clenched his fists.  _Why can't I just say it?_ He took deep breaths, and Yuuri rubbed his arm affectionately, "It's okay Viktor, you don't have to-" Viktor wasn't having that, "I want you to see how amazing you are and how much I love everything about you!" He managed, but shrunk on himself, embarrassed by his outburst. 

"That's what.. Viktor.." Yuuri tried to speak, but his words left him.  _I want you to see **how amazing you are** and how much I  **love everything about you**! _ The words rang through his head, and a light blush graced his cheeks, much lighter than it would normally be. "That's all I ever wanted you to realise... From the moment I met you. You are this... Beautiful human who creates stories with his expressions, music with his movements. H-He stole my heart with everything he did, all you have to do is breathe and I swoon.. You're so amazing, it's not even just me. Phichit, Chris, Minami, Minako, Yuuko, Yurio even... Everyone thinks you're amazing, just not as much as me..." Viktor looked him in his eyes, "We all know you're amazing, why don't you?" 

Yuuri sat there, speechless. Light tears gathered in his eyes, he was honestly touched by Viktor's words. Sure, Viktor told him sometimes, but he never knew that this was how he felt. Every word he said held truth and sincerity. He gathered Viktor in a hug, clutching his shirt and burying his hand in Viktor's hair, even if it was his own. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Suddenly, Viktor's phone lit up, and when he looked at it, he gasped. "I have to go pick something up from the shops! I will be right back," He rushed to the front lobby, putting his shoes and coat on, latching Makka's leash onto his collar before pushing up the glasses that sat on his nose up, "I love you, Yuuri!" 

~

While Viktor was gone, Yuuri thought about what he said, and he felt his heart swell. Viktor had meant every word, he could tell by his tone and the look in his eyes. Despite their whole situation, Viktor's eyes gave Yuuri a sense of comfort, the deep ocean blue contrasting with the striking icy blue, his eyes cold in colour but they could never be warmer and more welcoming.

_"Amazing job today, Yuuri!" "Perfect! That jump was perfect!" "YUURI! Can I get your autograph?!" "Yuuri~ You are just so cute." "You have successfully seduced me, Yuuri." "Yuuri! You're my best friend forever!" "This is Yuuri, my fiance." "Yuuri, that was an amazing performance." "That was a perfect copy of Viktor! You're amazing!" "Yeah, you're not so bad, Yuuri." " "Yuuri, I love you!" "Yuuri! You're just perfect. Talented. Amazing. Beautiful. Sexy. Funny." **"Just be yourself, Yuuri."**_

Yuuri gasped, suddenly getting a very strong feeling in his chest. Every word anyone had ever said, everyone he'd ever known, they love him. They meant every word they ever spoke to him, everything they'd ever done for him, everything they'd gotten themselves into for his sake, everything. They meant it, they mean it and continue to mean it. Especially Viktor. He always stays by him, everything he does now, it's always for Yuuri's sake, Yuuri's benefit, Yuuri's well-being.  **Viktor means the world to him.**

"Yuuri, I'm home!" He heard from the door, and Yuuri ran. He ran as fast as he could. "Viktor!" He jumped into his love's arms, not minding that it was himself. They hugged for a very long time because they secretly both needed it. They just stood there, the front door still open, nothing being said, just them and their love that was evident in the air. "I love you." They said at the same time, breaking out into giggles right after.

After Yuuri let go and let Viktor get in and take his coat and shoes off, even if it was still weird to watch himself do all those things knowing it was Viktor. "Why'd you leave, Viktor?" Yuuri asked, and Viktor looked at him with a blush on his cheeks, holding something behind his back. Yuuri quirked an eyebrow, one that was much thinner than his own, and Viktor giggled quietly. "What do you have?" 

Viktor held out a bouquet to Yuuri, an assortment of many different flowers of different colours, and he gasped. "They're... They're beautiful.." Viktor blushed more, "I ordered them 2 weeks ago because they didn't have the flowers in any flower shops here in St. Petersburg.." Yuuri smelled them. They smelled amazing, and he went to go get a vase, Viktor following behind. "What flowers are they?" Viktor's face lit up, obviously excited about explaining them. "The red ones that kind of look like tissue paper are Carnation flowers, they symbolise love, pride and admiration. The white rose-looking flowers are Gardenia flowers, they mean purity and sweetness. The frill of many pastel blue flowers are Hydrangea flowers, they're heartfelt emotions. The long, pink ones are Calluna flowers, they're admiration and beauty. The heart shaped ones are Anthurium flowers, they're happiness."

Yuuri set them out where everyone could see them, and even if they hadn't planned for anyone over to see that flowers, Yuuri kept them there because they were simply beautiful. "Why'd you go out at 9:30 at night to get flowers though? What place is even open at that time?" Yuuri chuckled, and Viktor chuckled along, "The florist down the road apparently." He chuckled.

"Speaking of 9:30 though," Viktor said, "We have to get up early tomorrow, Mila invited us to some restaurant for brunch." Yuuri gasped, "I completely forgot about that!" Viktor laughed quietly, "Yeah, well we leave at 9 am sharp, so we should probably get to sleep." They both agreed, going to get into pyjamas, each trying their best to not take advantage of the lack of clothing.

When they got in bed, Viktor suddenly mused out loud, "Wow, my body is really warm. You must be incredibly thankful." They laughed, and Yuuri replied, "In the winter, imagine what I go through in the warm weather!" They laughed again, then turned the lights off, snuggling together and calling it a night as they dozed into a peaceful sleep, no argument nagging their minds tonight.

~

"VIKTOR!" Yuuri screamed, and Viktor jumped out of bed for the second morning in a row, again almost tripping over Makkachin, "Yuuri! What's wrong-?" Viktor was cut off by a kiss, filled with love, lust, and need. Viktor returned the kiss with the same force and feelings, deepening it when Yuuri gasped for air, sticking his tongue in his mouth. Their tongues fought for dominance before they had to break away, gasping for air. "Wow." They said in union.

Viktor then looked at Yuuri, "Yuuri! You're you again!" He looked at himself, "And I'm me!" Yuuri chuckled, pecking Viktor's lips again before saying, "That's why I kissed you, silly. Now, go shower, we have to leave in a half hour!" 

Viktor did as he was told, and they went to brunch. Whilst sitting at the table, Viktor looked around and suddenly forgot about Mila, Georgi, and Yurio, noticing that Yuuri seemed much different today, like something changed inside of him-  _Oh._ Viktor thought,  _He realised, didn't he?_ Viktor leant over and kissed Yuuri, pulling him closer, whispering "I love you" in his ear. Yuuri smiled a smile that left Viktor breathless, whispering, "I love you too" back to him.

"Ack! Gross, stupid lovebirds! Stop with that gross loving shit, I'm trying to eat here!" They all laughed. Right, they're in public. "We forgot!"


	5. All He Had To Do Was Explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn't easy. Living with a constant pain in your chest isn't easy. Pain in your heart, your head, hearing your pulse in your ears, it isn't at all easy. He's never been able to explain it to himself, so how is he going to explain it to someone else? If you don't know something, how can you answer to someone who asks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may or may not be a rant through poor Yuuri.  
> "You can't explain something to someone else when you can't even explain it to yourself."

Yuuri sat with Viktor, yet they sat in silence. Nothing was being said, but did it ever need to. Problem is, neither of them knew what to say. It was a bad day for both of them. Viktor wanted to sleep for the rest of his life and Yuuri wanted to cry, but they did neither. They just sat opposite each other, staring at their separate fiddling hands. A conversation would not be happening anytime soon. They both gathered conversations in their heads, carefully wording what they were going to say, but never finding the intent to actually say anything to each other. It stayed like that for a long time.

~

Viktor had explained to Yuuri more times then one what happens in his mind on a bad day, because somehow he always managed to find words to express every little emotion he was feeling, but Yuuri was never an articulate one, coming from a whole life of crippling anxiety, self-doubt, and depression, which may or may not still affect him to this day. Viktor has always told him that he has utter faith in anything he decides, but it's a matter of Yuuri having faith. Which he doesn't.

"Trust what you decide," They say, "Don't worry about it". No one but Yuuri knows how hard it is for him to do that, it's an 'easier said than done' kind of scenario. Viktor is the closest person who understands, besides Mari. He appreciates his family, friends, and lover's support, but he needs their understanding, hence why he felt he was fighting alone until Viktor, because Viktor tries to understand, or at least distract him from his doubts in ways that his friends and family have never tried before. 

It's like a knot in his throat. As much as he would love to explain to Viktor what's going on inside his mind and how to fix it or get it to stop, he can't. Not that he physically can't, like a bodily ailment, he just doesn't know how. Everything that happens inside his head, every broken gear that's desperately turning, they don't make sense. Not coherently.

Every separate mental problem has a different cause, explanation, and solution, all of them different. All of them. Individually, they make perfect sense, the way to get rid of that certain ailment clear as day, but together nothing makes sense. Thoughts from each are being thrown randomly around his head, nothing making sense. It overwhelms him and he panics, thinking that the answer  _should_ be right there when it is but it isn't. Like when you can't remember something that you know you know. 

It's overwhelming to the point of suffocation, and that's how Yuuri breaks down. When none of the thoughts in his head currently don't make sense, his body tries to throw different thoughts into the mix, to distract him from the incoherent swirl of confusion. Unfortunately, the only thoughts that can be provided are ones of self-doubt and anxiety for everything around him, because of his current state of mind.

Not that the doubts, insecurities, and anxieties go away when he isn't having an attack, actually that's far from the truth. You see, to avoid having another anxiety attack, he unconsciously tries to distract himself from the unruly mess of confusion, but because he's constantly on edge with the fear of breaking down, the doubts and insecurities come back to distract him.

'That's obscene,' Yuuri often thinks to himself, 'how imbalance can balance.'

Beyond that, his anxiety is one that demands control, perfection and precise movements, of which he has trouble providing because of that anxiety. His mind pushes succeeding at something so much it becomes a stress to not fail, because somehow he disappoints himself, his family, and anyone or everyone watching.

Organising the obscenity of his mind is tiring, even for someone with Yuuri's stamina. His impressive physical stamina is no match for his mentally tiring brain, of which is constantly thinking and thinking, whether he intends to or not.

 

"Yuuri?" Viktor calls, breaking Yuuri's inner confusion. He was grateful, but he wouldn't voice that to Viktor because he could see he knew. They hadn't talked in what felt like years, but was only a few hours, despite the other's presence. Viktor seemed to be a bit better now, having gone for a run with Makka, taken a long, soothing bath with lavender scented candles, and making Jasmine tea. Yuuri, however, couldn't find the strength to stand, even if Viktor somehow had.

"Yes?" His voice was unintentionally quiet. When Yuuri had woke up that morning, nothing felt right. Viktor's body warmth usually very welcome now making him too hot, he was too close. The sun through the crack in the curtains too bright, and the faint rumble of the roads sounding like an earthquake inside of his head.

He'd made it a point to get up quickly that morning, whilst Viktor still slept. After he'd sluggishly done his normal morning routine, Yuuri had looked around. 'Is Viktor still sleeping?' Yuuri thought to himself as the house remained silent. It was uncommon for Viktor to sleep in, him being a light sleeper and that he liked to get up early and get stuff done. 

When Yuuri opened their bedroom door, he could tell something was wrong. Viktor was awake, staring at the ceiling with silent tears streaming down his face while he laid there like a soldier at attention, motionless. Today wasn't going to be fun for both of them.

While Viktor went out and tried to rid himself of his negative feelings, Yuuri had slowly but surely succumbed to his anxious mind. So now, Viktor was feeling almost 100%, Yuuri was down at near 0.

"Do you... Wanna talk about it?" Viktor was getting better at helping Yuuri, better than he once was. "How?" Was all Yuuri could manage.

Viktor settled himself beside Yuuri, but he didn't say anything. Judging from the look in his eyes, Yuuri could say that Viktor was carefully choosing his words, something he did for only a select few people. 

"Explain to me, as I do for you, what you're feeling. It doesn't have to make full sense, just try. For me?" His voice was calming, but it still did nothing for Yuuri's nerves. How do you explain something to someone else when you can't even explain it to yourself? Yuuri looked Viktor directly in his eyes, giving him a look of desperation whilst getting a look of patience in return.

"Use an analogy or a metaphor," Viktor suggested, "Don't exaggerate or calm anything down."

Yuuri took a breath. 'Alright,' he thought to himself, 'it can't be that hard can it?' It wasn't, but then he started thinking about all the ways he could say it incorrectly or something other than what he actually means. Viktor laced his fingers with Yuuri's so he took another few deep breaths. 'It's not that hard, he's being open with you.'

Adjusting himself, Yuuri cleared his throat. "Imagine that you were in a classroom. An old-style classroom where all the desks are separated," Yuuri started, pausing to breathe a few times, "and one person throws a note at you. It doesn't matter what the note says, it's just negative, picture whatever  **you** want it to say. Then, another note is thrown, and another... And another. Soon enough, everyone in the classroom is throwing notes at you, saying horrible, negative and cruel things for no reason.

"The teachers and students, everyone throwing notes at you, and you can't move from your seat because you can't find the strength, so you sit there and cry. No one even tries to help you, so you're stuck there until they decide to stop. In that case, there's nothing you can do but wait for them to stop and leave you alone." Yuuri's voice becomes desperate halfway through, tears rushing down his face.

He vigorously wiped the tears from his eyes and cheeks, turning away from Viktor. He knew Viktor was thinking about what he just said, creating the scenario in his mind over and over, trying to truly process what Yuuri just told him.

Yuuri didn't want him to process it, because now that he'd said it out loud, it sounded stupid, even to his own ears. He just wanted Viktor to pretend this never happened and go on with his day.

When Yuuri opened his mouth to speak to Viktor, he felt familiar arms wrap around him from behind and Viktor's breath on his neck. He felt too close and too far at the same time. Yuuri wanted to push him away but he also wanted to cling to him like a lifeline. "Yuuri..." Viktor's breath was warm on his neck, for better or for worse and Yuuri couldn't help but shiver.

"How long have you thought of that?" Viktor asked him, cuddling deeper into Yuuri's nape. "It's... It's an explanation I made for myself so I have a vantage point for my anxiety, I guess..." Viktor turned Yuuri to face him, looking into his eyes with adoration and patience. While Yuuri's eyes were a warm brown, holding mostly desperation, pain, and disappointment, Viktor's eyes were a cold blue, yet they hold such warmth, Yuuri has never seen anything more welcoming.

"My type of anxiety, which I don't know exactly which one, demands control, order and patience, but I've grown impatient with it so the necessary feelings it requires are weaker, less tolerant. I've turned my attention to other people, using their wellbeing and positive emotions to fuel mine, but they still feel forced. Well, they did, but since you've come into my life, you've given me positive emotions I haven't felt in a long time. I've been getting better, but that doesn't mean I'm 100%.

"I still have bad days, force emotions and fake smiles, which, if I'm honest, has been happening more often these days. I don't talk to you and it affects me greatly. That's why I've had such a hard time in the past, because I denied myself the ability to talk to someone, reach out for help or express myself. Until you came, I was stuck. We've both been busy lately and because of that, I've denied myself to talk to you because I thought to myself 'he's stressed, don't bother him more', which is basically what my anxiety consists of." Yuuri looked Viktor in the eyes, trying to really talk to him.

"Thank you. Thank you for.. for tolerating me and helping me when you know I need it. Thank you for caring for me and loving me unconditionally, even when millions of people frown upon you doing so. Thank you for meeting me halfway and waiting for me. Thank you for brightening up my life and saving me from myself." Viktor didn't say anything, just smiled at him, a real, bright, beautiful smile. His silence spoke volumes.

Viktor spread his arms, an indicator for a hug which Yuuri gladly accepted. "Feeling better, krasivaya?" Viktor fondly spoke, erasing any lingering tension from Yuuri. "Much. Thank you, though I've said that, haven't I?" They shared quiet chuckles, splitting their embrace. "I'll never get tired of it." Viktor replied, a teasing smirk on his lips. "Aaaaand he's back, okay thank you, god bless my time here but I now need to leave." Viktor laughed at that, "Noo! Don't leave me~"

Yuuri pecked his lips, "I'd never."

~

Yuuri was never an articulate one, he always found difficulty in expressing his feelings and sharing his thoughts, but being here with Viktor in this fairytale bliss turned real life makes him realise that it doesn't matter. He doesn't need to be perfect, he doesn't need to have many talents or skills, because as he's come to learn, Viktor is as human as he is.

He just had to explain himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Krasivaya means beautiful in Russian by the way.
> 
> I do apologise for ranting through poor Yuuri. God bless him though


	8. HIATUS!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi-diddly-ho children.

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  _Heyo_ buckos, lassies and non-binary beanies, so I has some news.

"Yuri!!! on Ice Oneshots" is going on a **temp hiatus**. If you don't know what that means, it means that I'm putting it **on hold** for a bit. No need to worry if you actually like my trash (for some strange reason), it will be coming back eventually. That'll be when I get inspiration for this type of who-ha. So...yeah, hiatus and stuff. 

Love you all, have a great morning/afternoon/evening/night! _Chao chao xx -Kali_

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